Wildlife Management per PETA

Posted by Lance Earl of Lance Earl, LLC on October 28, 2011

I just read an article by PETA about wildlife management. Now I am really worried that we may be doing things wrong here.

We live on eighty acres in rural Idaho where three indigenous species cause us a bunch of trouble. These are the gopher, common field mouse, and the coyote. According to PETA, if I just let them be, they will manage themselves and I will have no problems. Well, we kind of tried that, although unintentionally.

Our old dog, Primer, got sick and had to be put down. Apparently, I did that wrong too. I now understand that I should have taken him to a vet where he would have been humanely killed by a professional for some ridiculous fee. Never mind that he hates riding in my truck and has never seen the inside of a vet's office. Instead, I took him for a walk into a field, where he loves to go by the way. I scratched his ears for a while then put one between his eyes. His tail was still wagging when his lights went out. I don't understand it but the experts at PETA know that my way was somehow more cruel. Sorry, I disagree.

Anyway, with old Primer gone, the coyotes moved in, scooped up our cats just like that. It took just a few months for the mice to move into our home in mass. Nothing says, "let's eat" more than opening the silverware drawer and finding a mouse turd in a spoon. Out in my alfalfa field, the gophers were equally busy chewing plant roots off just below the surface. To correct the problem, we brought in several litters of kittens and a heeler pup named Ping. I thought that things were well in hand until I read the PETA article. Now I understand how misguided I have been.

Apparently, according to PETA, importing non-indigenous species into an area is bad, bad, bad. Heelers and house cats are both non-indigenous to this area. Oh my gosh, what have I done!?!?!?

The PETA article went on to say that if nature fails to find balance, there is a solution that is right and humane. I want to be a reasonable and humane custodian of the land, so here is my plan:

1. Ping and about a dozen cats have got to go. Does anyone know of a vet that gives quantity discounts for euthanasia?
2. Every one of the hundreds of female rodents on the place must be humanely trapped and given contraceptives. Can someone please point me to a source of teeny tiny IUD implants? Also, is there a YouTube video that shows how to insert these things?

Thanks for your help and understanding as I do my best to become an honest to goodness prissy, sissy, fool of a tree hugger.

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